Am I A Hoarder?

With all the new ‘hoarding’ shows on television these days, one has to ask himself a question:

Am I A Hoarder?

Of course, the producers pick THE worst case scenarios to air.  The guy who has SO much clutter piled up in his house that his head hits the ceiling when he’s trying to navigate around through the mess.  Or the woman who’s hardwood floors are caving in because she allows her 46 dogs free run of the house &  sees no  need to give them outside potty privileges.  I feel sorry for the cameramen working on that particular episode…..if it were me, I’d demand a ventilator & oxygen tank, not to mention a HAZMAT suit.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I own 2 dogs & let me tell you, that’s PLENTY. Plenty of mess to clean up, plenty of all-star-wrestling matches, plenty of expensive Vet appointments for everything from scratched eyeballs to eating trash & bleeding from the rectum because of it.  Plenty, too, of potty visits to the lawn & then ‘accidents’ on my expensive Persian carpet in the dining room. Uh huh. Let’s ignore the tiled laundry room & focus on THE worst place in the entire house to make a little oopsie. 

I hate dogs and if I didn’t love them so much, and if they weren’t SO darned CUTE, in spite of horrifying breath from rotted teeth, which makes a whole new experience out of ‘doggie kisses’,  they’d be OUT of here in a New York minute. What I see in the very near future is a bill for $1,000.00 to pull out those rotted teeth & another bill for the baby food dinners they’ll have to eat thereafter. Sigh.

My ‘favorite’ Hoarding, Buried Alive episode was about the young woman who turned her home into a cat sanctuary, or, a gigantic scratching post complete with mazes for them to crawl through INSIDE the drywall.   She didn’t see the situation as a problem though, because being a ‘cat lover’ requires a level of devotion the rest of the human race has NO clue about.  Alrighty then.

My husband & I are avid garage-salers. We devote every Saturday morning to the thrill of the hunt, and the even-bigger-thrill of the Bargain.  I rub my hands together every Friday night in anticipation of what loot we may find the next morning, especially at the Mother Lode Itself: The Community  Garage Sale. Most likely, unnecessary & superfluous items that other people no longer want.  One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, after all, isn’t that what they say?

When I look around my 2-car garage, I can vouch for the fact that my husband & I have indeed purchased a whole load of another man’s trash. Every inch of that square footage is stuffed with ‘necessities’ that may one day actually be necessary.  As of right now, however, they are not.  

When I look in my master bathroom, what I see is a collection of jewelry that I cannot conceivably wear in a lifetime.  If I were to wear a different necklace, bracelet, ring-on-every-finger & earrings in both sets of pierced ear- holes every day for a year, I still wouldn’t come close to sporting every piece I own.  Not by a long shot.

I’ve purchased a set of 8 colorful drawers on wheels, at a garage sale of course, to house some of my various & unique collection, which also comes primarily from garage sales.  Then there are 4 large, divided embroidery boxes to contain a small fraction of my earring collection, along with a screened frame to store those which have shephard’s hooks.   Then there’s the coat-rack-type-thingy-with-arms inside of my enormous, overstuffed walk-in closet to display some of the lovely necklaces I’ve collected over the years.  Did I mention the 4 foot, free standing cherry-wood jewelry chest in a corner of the bedroom? It houses the ‘left-overs’…….pieces I don’t like too much or infrequently wear, but are certainly not trash-worthy for petesake.  Then there’s the necklace holder in the corner of the bathroom sink, next to the electric toothbrush.  It’s purpose is to hold some of the short, choker type necklaces.

I’m beginning to wonder when enough is enough though, and what constitutes Too Much? Perhaps when I need to rent a Pod storage unit to reside on the driveway?

The purses take up 2 full length wire racks on top of my walk in closet which is overstuffed with clothes, while the remaining 4 wire racks contain my collection of cute shoes, scarves, hats & other assorted accessories.

But I’m not a Hoarder: I Am A Collector. There is a big difference between the two I’ll have you know.

The rest of the house is full of tshotchkes…..meaning trinkets in Yiddish.  There’s the German porcelain miniature monkey band which NO ONE is allowed to TOUCH, God-forbid!   The enormous snuff-box collection resides in another section of shelving in the family room. For a while, I collected miniature everythings. In addition to the miniature everythings, there were  hatpins,  (and no, I do not wear vintage hats), clocks, old portraits & ornately decorated marriage certificates, roosters, bird cages, pill boxes, vintage posters, pottery, bronze statues, and antiques of all kinds.   My favorite paintings are old, moody oils which cover an entire wall of my study, so I can enjoy looking at them while I type, especially if I had eyes in the back of my head.  Even though I stopped collecting quite a while ago, I still have the entire loot, gathering dust quicker than a bee gathers honey.

Then there’s the Mirror Collection which is located in the first floor half-bathroom.  My husband calls it the Versailles Bathroom or the Hall Of Mirrors. He’s been known to cuss rather loudly while atop a ladder, attempting to hang yet another ‘find’ in just the right location….not too close and not too far away from the other.  My daughter hates using that bathroom, because she can see herself on the toilet when I’ve placed another new find on the floor by the sink, which gives her a perfect view of herself taking a tinkle. At last count, there are 38 mirrors covering the walls of the Versailles Room. But, there is still open space in various spots on those walls, so………I’m not officially hoarding mirrors, am I? Hmmmmpffffffffffffff!

Sometimes the clutter has to be de-cluttered, but then comes the all-important question of whether to donate it, throw it out, save it for MY garage sale *yet to actually occur*, sell it on Ebay *also yet to happen*  or transfer it to yet another location “for future use”?

What is the definition of hoarding, anyway? According to Dictionary.com;

HOARD

/hɔrd, hoʊrd/ Show Spelled[hawrd, hohrd]

–noun

1.

a supply or accumulation that is hidden or carefully guarded for preservation, future use, etc.: a vast hoard of silver.

Ah! There you have it! An accumulation that is carefully guarded for future use.  Just because that future date never actually arrives is no good reason to dismantle the collection!

Or is it?

While de-cluttering a kitchen cabinet the other day, I found an Easy Bake oven, completely intact, including the macaroni & cheese packets it came with originally; the pans, spatulas, and even the directions for baking a perfect creation.

My daughter, the original owner of this Easy Bake Oven, is currently 18 years old & getting ready  to go to college next month.

So much for carefully guarding precious tshotchkes  for preservation or future use, eh?

Although I’ve asked myself the all-important question, Are You A Hoarder, more than once, the answer always has to be No! Of course not!

I, my friends, am a Collector.

Phew.