The Difference Between Men & Women

The main difference between men & women involves an act that takes place in the master bedroom.

Not the act you’re thinking of, shame-on-you, so get your mind out of the gutter.

The part of the bedroom where the major difference takes place is in the bathroom.

In order for a woman to get ready for a lovely evening out with her man, she must go through an age-old ritual, beginning with her hair & ending up with her pretty painted toenails.  After taking a long, hot shower with scented soaps, loofahs, shavers & body washes, she begins the ritual by combing some Jojoba with Guava styling gel through her hair. While it sets a bit, she moisturizes her face & applies wrinkle cream to her eyelids, using her ring finger because it has a lighter touch than her index finger. Then the electric toothbrush comes out along with the extra-whitening, tartar-control/plaque control, gingivitis & cavity fighting, halitosis-busting toothpaste.  Then comes the tongue scraper followed by a full Dixie cup of Listerine for gargling.

She is then ready for The Hair. Out comes the blow dryer, curling irons, flattening iron, hair-spray, after-blow-drying-but-before-hair-spraying mist, and all the assorted hair claws, bobby pins & styling brushes required to get that hair-do looking just right. She may even consider a Bump-It or two, for extra lift, you know.

Next comes the make-up.  If the woman is interested in achieving a flawless, perfectly porcelain look, she uses Bare Minerals.  She must then lay out the 73 assorted brushes necessary to apply the various powders to the various parts of her face:  eyes, eye-lids, lower lids, neck, lips, cheeks, eyebrows, not to mention the actual facial skin itself which requires Foundation. But before the Foundation comes the Primer, to insure the Foundation applies smoothly & evenly.  As hateful as this is to say, some women have a couple of pock-marks here & there, left over from the measles, or a bad run-in with a particularly stubborn blackhead.  Such imperfections require concealment with special Face Spackle & an accompanying Putty Knife.

Grouting one’s facial potholes requires special tools, I will have you know, and is an Art Form that only a few are really good at. Not moi, of course, but some poor, unfortunate women out there…..

Next comes the eyeshadows, eyeliners, mascaras, lip-liners, lipsticks, all with their own special blending brushes, of course, for the just-right-but-not-overdone looking smoky eye effect.

After the cloud of dust from the Bare Minerals begins to settle down & the mirror becomes visible once again, the woman is ready for the next phase of readiness:

Undergarments.

Shall it be the under-wire, push up, strapless bra this evening? Or perhaps the WonderBra for lift, support and perkiness would be more appropriate? Uh oh…..maybe the outfit she’s chosen will require some strap re-arrangement……..where is that box of As-Seen-On-TV-Strap Perfect gizmos she purchased from Walgreens a few weeks ago?

Now to select the right girdle…..um…….Shape-wear garment, I mean to say. With or without plastic bones & ribcage constricting features? Decisions decisions. Long legs or shortie legs? Spanx or  The Bone-Crusher, super heavy-duty  model with laces to cinch that heffer waist down to 22 inches?  My personal favorite is the Boa 727, complete with 2 emergency zipper exits & built in oxygen mask, just in case.

Important Note: The woman must make absolutely sure there is no gap between where the top of the high-waist girdle meets the back of the bra. Otherwise, all that pressurized fat will seize up and create a muffin-top in a most unnatural location, spoiling the illusion of the smooth looking figure said undergarments were meant to create.

If she’s forgotten to put on her pantyhose first, before wrestling on The Girdle, fuggedaboutit. Then it becomes necessary to go hose-free because there is no way on earth the Boa is coming off.  Should that be the case, the next step in the preparation process is leg tanning spray.  She simply cannot go out of the house with bare legs looking this bad.  Better a strange shade of Orange than fish-belly white any day. Sheesh.

Now that the hair, make-up & undergarments are in place, the woman is finally ready to put on The Oufit. She sucks her lips in to avoid getting lipstick on said garment, closes her eyes & says a Novena that the zipper:

#1: pulls up easily meaning the outfit fits, in spite of all that Haagen Daaz she ate earlier

#2: doesn’t break mid-way up the torso, requiring a new outfit choice & all new make-up, undergarments & hair-do

She then steps into some cute, I-will-be-sorry-later-on slip on shoes (because bending over to fasten strap buckles is unthinkable thanks to The Girdle) and voila:

She Is Ready To Go.

Then it is the Man’s turn to get ready for a lovely evening out with his woman.

He jumps in the shower with a sliver of hairy Irish Spring soap, suitable for body, face and hair. Out in under 40 seconds; swishes the last ounce of warm beer around his mouth a few times, spits, burps, slips into the jeans & Rolling Stones Tongue T-shirt laying on the floor beside the shower, and…….

Voila.

He Is Ready To Go.

And men think they’ve got it tough?